A speed bump or a really high wall….

I have been doing good at this one diet till I ….. yeah the sight of bread has me salivating and having chills all over my body.  Many would think that you could take a little bite just to satisfy your craving.   But really how little is little.  I think my addiction to bread is clouding my judgement of size.  Please God, Budha, and all the other gods out there give me the strength not to open my mouth and have a bite of that fresh, buttery smell, and soft white bread.  This is killing me.  Just writting about bread is making me sick.

Why do I always feel like when I am on a diet or working out I am torturing myself?  I feel like it is self mutilation.  Yes I am exaggerating.  But if you think about it why did we invent all these fatty food that is bad for us and eat it for years?  No, I am not finidng an excuse for me to eat them.  I am just so mad at the people who invented the slurpee or bread or pizza or burgers!!!!!!!!!!


I am to blame…

Losing weight has always been my main new year’s resolution for… many years.  So I really don’t blame people that have lost confidence in me to even succeed in getting fit.  Support is one of the main ingredients to succeed in this journey but just like trust I guess I have to earn it.  What sucks about this is the fact that getting started is one of the hardest things to do and without support I need to put 200% of effort to get my body moving.  Where is motivation when you need it the most?  Five months till the zombie run.  Why does it sound like its tomorrow?

Confessions of a Glutton

Sushi, Korean BBQ, Pizza, Pho, ….  The list could go on and on about foods that I love.   I have struggled with my weight for years and it is best described as a love/hate relationship.  I love to eat but I hate that I gain weight.  If my eyes have a belly then I am doomed.

Promising that I would change is way too hard.  I say this because it takes twice the effort to teach an old dog a new trick.  Let’s just say eating has become a habit of mine.  We all know how habits are hard to change.  I could say I am an emotional eater but I eat either way, happy or sad, stressed or not.

The real battle is my motivation and how much do I want this.  How much do I want this?  I want this so much that I am sick and tired of just day dreaming that I will lose the weight one of these days.  I am tired of listening to the other girls get hit on by guys while I am a fly on the wall.  I am tired of not wanting to try out clothes in the fitting room just because I don’t want to see myself in a full view mirror.  I am scared that I may one day not be able to ride a rollercoaster because I would not fit on the seat.   If you are asking me why am I writing this now,  I want to admit to myself that my weakness is not my being fat, it is my pride, where I convince myself that everything is fine.  I always have a fat joke and trust me they are pretty funny but thinking about it makes me sad.  But that is my defense mechanism, to be fat but at least funny.  It would drive me nuts to admit to myself that I am fat and pathetic.  But I watched a video at work and they mentioned that one way to a healthy you are to admit your vulnerabilities.

I am putting myself out there now to show my desperation to deal with this dilemma.  Then, do something about it, right?  I wish it was that simple though many may argue it is.  There is a whole list of excuses why diets fail me or why it is such a struggle to lose weight.  Sad but true, sometimes I start to believe my own excuses.  But I decided with all these failures I have to find a way to pull through.  Since I rebel when I restrict myself in eating junk food or exercising everyday, then I would handle my problem with a different approach.  I believe that in small successes, the bigger goal will eventually be easier to reach.  I practice this belief at work especially when the obstacle made a huge negative impact on a project.

But I do doubt myself.  Failure is a norm to me.  What if the results end with the same thing?  What then? Insecurity leads to negativity.  Negativity unfortunately is a very familiar feeling I have always welcomed.  It is hard to explain why I would even think that way.  Through all the negativity, I have found ways to look at things differently.  So, one positive thing in my life, even how small, has a big impact on me.

I am known to make rash decisions that eventually make my life difficult in a way.  With that said, I have tried to be stagnant.   Yes another rash decision that I have made to try to calm the waters after the storm.  Then reality kicks in. Time does not wait for anybody.  If something has to be done then so be it.  I love to psych myself up and dream about how the end results will turn out, but that is my downfall.  I love to dream but I hate the struggle.  There is a saying, “Embrace the struggle and the results will be much sweeter”; I hope that this is true.

Wish me luck on this journey of knowing the real me and shedding not only the pounds of fat but also the negativity and regrets.